Strip Clubs Vs. Porn....hrm

Sooo its my first day home from school in about a month. And well my friend invites me to go to a strip club. What a reception. OF course i accept i mean come on im just being friendly here. So the thing about this is even though i live away from home now im still restricted soooo i had to sneak out. It was around 12 when i managed to do that. Once my dads out hes out. I lock my room door then lock my front door and bolt to my friends car.
We start driving and another friend starts lecturing us on Strip Club Etiquette. Good god now why isnt there a lecture like that at college...i digress. So he gives us tips like respect and all blah blah also he told us to have hrmm well not to be masters of our domains before hand to avoid shall we say accidents. Which sadly i did not do because i was rushed and i was afraid of the repercussions....
Well we arrive at the den of foxes if u will. And lemmy just say boobies everywhere which is nice to see when its not pixilated. We sit down and observe first. Then we move up to the stage to really see the show. Personally the girls were too skinny and well white for my taste. They were cool i guess it was nice having real breasts and vaginas in my face but weirdly enough I didn't feel anything.
That was perplexing to me and i found my self worried.. but mostly relived that i hadnt ruined my second favorite pair of pants and made things really awkward on the way back home.
So a cavalcade of naked vaginas thrust in my face and still strangely no movement in the nether regions...the concern grew....damnit that was the only thing that grew.
But alas there was one interesting moment a spanish girl of the stationary fireman's pole sauntered her way to me and gyrated and such. mid way through she takes my glasses saying ooo i like your glasses and with her crotch in my face in a very gynecological position mind you... began to rub the lenses on her vagina...whilst saying oh let me clean ur glasses for you...[thank god she was faking because, im sure shes quite nice, but i wasnt willing to get the syphilis of the aids of the face today or ever for that fact]. Now that was interesting. Yet another interesting happenstance on the stage...a stripper came on and i was dumb struck she had a decent body but heres the kicker her face was a near perfect replica of my aunt[who ironically enough i will see later today]. Oh the psychological scarring this must have caused. She sauntered naked to me after a while and did her routine which involved spreading herself in front of me taking my head and placing it quiiiitee near her well ...."entrance".... and encasing my head in her legs. She then shifting her positon to a laying down pose with one leg on my shoulder showcasing her wares. Normally after seeing her face i would have tipped her one and been like oh god get the fuck away from me but she put so much pizaz and work into her routine i felt bad so i gave her two. [ i wonder wat the repercussions of that encounter will have on me...i shudder to think of it]
Later on after wave after wave of really quite decently attractive naked girls shoving various primary and secondary sexual organs in my face i decided maybe i should get a lap dance as everyone else was and maybe that would cause nether-movement. Ironically enough the first to proposition me for a lapdance[as the girls must ask first] was the girl who looked like my aunt. I was about to say no,politely mind you, but she cut me off saying say yes yes yes but i said im sorry no and she rebutted how can u say no i said oh im sorry i have no money and she moved on[oh thank god reall mental scarring averted. Score!]
Eventually wanting to leave i accepted the next propositon from a girl who was attractive i though. We went to the room and she well did her thing... Gyrating and takign off articles of her scant clothing pressing her breasts on me and presenting her ass to me. THe whole while i felt no movement from the warrior from below[i avoided the word little because that doesnt speak well of me does it] really the only thing i felt was pain as she was riding me i felt as though she was pressing my belt buckle onto me.
It was horribly uncomfortable. And as i stared into the mirror [as the lapdance room is mirrored] i gave my self the harshest look of contept and asked my self "What the hell man are you gay?" Still no movement i thinki was on the verge of tears by that and the fact that my belt was digging into my crotch and maybe causing tissue damage to nether me, did not help.
You know when i was getting advice from my freind who was expereinced[9 times he said hes gone to which i thought to my self really is that an acheivement you want to be spreading i mean come on in my infinate nerdyness i wondered if there was some sort of xbox live acheivement for strip club visits that he was going for or something " 9 down only 20 more to go and then i get 20 gamer points!"] said to us that strippers like to have convorsation and well i was expecting some..... i kinda wanted to talk to them learn theyre hopes dreams maybe win them over with my increadible charm and wit [which the girl im crazy for loves]but sadly i got no such luck as all she asked for was more money which she got none of thank god.
With her exchange of humping done i noticed a pentagram around her neck[i was gonna ask are u in a satanic cult? kinda explains the debauchery ha! but i guess that was mean but fuck i shoulda said that in hind sight] and i asked her if she was wickin which she said with glee yes! [yess convorsation!!] and she asked if i was but i said i was buddhist then she said oh i want to learn about buddhism[yay maybe she might be charmed into humping me again] and i said oh yea well theyres temples here i asked where she lived cuz theyres some in nj[where the club was] but she said theyres one in staten island and she said oh well i knwo where it is just not exactly and i said oh yea its near port richmond high and she cuts me off curtly no its not to which i responded oh and left[what i was thinking was WAT THE FUCK BITCH THATS THE EXACT TEMPLE I GO TO YOU BITCH I WAS LITERALLY THERE YESTERDAY I OTTA FUCKING SLAP YOU]
Afterwords we left and played cool on the ride home...when i passed my hand on my pants to check if my penis was alive i realized i wasnt wearing a belt...I WASNT WEARING A BELT THAT MEANS THAT HER TAIL BONE WAS PRESSING CAUSING ME CONCIDERABLE PAIN WTF..... anyway in pain and questioning my sexuality i snuck in my house saddened and out of money.
I go upstairs and to test if i was a homosexual i watched porn.. Straight porn thank you very much.... and mr happy woke up instatnly. After the happyness was ajounred i realized that maybe im not a stripclub guy cuz if a girl that i really like gives me a really nice hug i feel movement so i realized i was straight but i guess i get stiffys to closeness not vaginas shoved in my face. WHich is good for me because i wont be poor.
So the verdict is....stick to porn fellas because its free and watevers not free u can torrent[internet piracy for the win] and if u choose to go to a stripclub and get a lap dance get a girl with a fat ass atleast then you can not get injurred.. oh god. Maybe next time?